Joan Dark

Poem: The Truth as I've Lived It

I dont always look at myself

before I leave in the morning.

Mostly because

She saw something in the mirror that terrified her:
her fathers face.

Some days,

Im in front of the mirror

And I stare

and I stare and I stare

And I am an astronaut

floating farther

            and farther

                    away

While my body is in a place that I dont quite understand Yet

You have to fight for yourself

But I don’t know if I can always keep up the fight

by myself

Find my self-worth

in other people validating my body as good enough, as trans enough

And the thing is,

I want that.
I want it so, so bad.

But then. Im back in my own skin.

I fix my hair and my face

so my day can begin.

And then,

there are other days

Where I look and actually

Smile.

And I know that I can be

anything you want.

And let everyone else stare

for a while.

Some days, I am dangerous and want you to know.

Beautiful, powerful, untouchable,

Whole.

Most days, I am just me, whatever that means.

To blur between bodies

Not male,

Not female,
Not quite.

its exhausting. But not impossible.